Old Stuff #1

Just transferring a bunch of stuff from one of my secret blogs. Anything in parentheses are my current thoughts:

"New Slang?" (3/18/08) - Overheard at a local fine dining establishment during lunch: "Yo man, it's pretty church in here". Not sure what it meant, but it sounded derogatory. (I later found out it was something good, and I'm pretty sure the "fine dining establishment" was Wendy's)

"Jeopardy! Life Stories" (3/19/08) - I've seen two episodes of Jeopardy! this week, for the first time in years, and it reminded me that more often than not the anecdotes used to introduce the contestants are impossibly insane. I mean, I can't even make a joke here that would do this phenomenon any justice. Also, how do you decide what to start with? I imagine you have to give out a bunch of stories in case you become a five-time champion or whatever. Do you start out insane and taper off? Do you go out with a bang? This is important to know, since Jeopardy! is currently my retirement plan. Do I even have stories that are suitably nutty enough? I'm much more concerned with this than having actual knowledge. (Not sure I know why I felt this was worth saving...)

More to come...

Some random stuff

Dunkin Donuts, 26th St Manhattan: A young man in a business suit decides he wants to hold up the entire line to get "a shot glass of ice...just a shot" for his hot coffee instead of just buying iced coffee to begin with. Fine, whatever. But don't argue with the Dunkin Donut workers when they wont give you the ice. Just drop it so I can get my properly ordered ice coffee.

Somewhere in Chelsea: I saw some guy running with what looked like ninja socks, but each toe was separated. So, umm, I guess basically socks molded to your feet or something? But they were shoes. And they were weird.

34th St: I'm pretty sure I saw two homeless looking guys leaving a video game store. They might actually have been just very very skeevy, to be fair. Either way, shouldn't you have higher priorities than what I imagine is your non-existent X-Box? Like, ten sandwiches?

Weekend Weirdness

Saturday

Staten Island Ferry: As I occasionally do, I made a note on twitter about a terrible t-shirt I saw: "In <3 with a stripper" worn by a large man with his kid. The stripper he is in <3 with should probably take some interest in making sure he doesn't leave the house looking like that.

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: I had the extreme pleasure of seeing a bunch of people who were clearly in their mid to late 20's exit a STRETCH HUMMER (because a regular Hummer isn't ugly enough) in what looked to be either prom attire or a poorly planned wedding. They looked like the type of people who would be more at home in Midtown, so they weren't hipsters being ironic. In the brief moments these people were in my life, they also seemed to have the faux-Sopranos talk down pat. Am I mean for hoping that they all got back into the Hummer at the end of the night and sank into the river? Any river, I'm not too particular.

Sunday

Manhattan: I almost became violently ill because there were too too many HUGE girls wearing very tiny shirts. Let's just say, "double muffin top" is now a term that exists in my head. Basically, there is a muffin top, followed by a second muffin top a little higher up, followed by my breakfast forcing it's way back up.

Disastrous Music Videos #1

Courtesy of Videogum:

The new Black Eyed Peas song

Dear Black Eyed Peas, I regret to inform you that have redefined "musical catastrophe".

P.S. Fergie is probably history's least sexy sex symbol.

P.P.S. I am not at all interested in finding out if there IS someone worse than Fergie.

(As an aside...anyone know of any other really really bad music vids?)

Photo Ops!

So, apparently there are still people out there who think it's a great idea to pose in front of a jewelry kiosk (more of a bling kiosk) in a mall while wearing a ridiculously long chain and making the "Westsiiiiiide" symbol (more like Weekawken, New Jersey). To push the Ridiculous Factor into the millions, this kid was taking cues from his dad on how to properly pose to fit everything in. YIKES. That's the sort of thing that should remain in the comfort of ones own home. Or ideally, the sort of thing that remains in the comfort of nowhere ever. Pardon me while I pray to Cthulhu to cleanse this planet.

Oh yeah...

I almost forgot. Last week a friend was nice enough to point out some guy with a tattoo of the Nike logo on his calf. Perfect timing too, since we were discussing terrible tattoos. I would like to express my deepest condolences to Nike Tattoo Guy, because that tattoo must have been an unfortunate accident.

(No no, I'm kidding. It's a great tattoo. I'm totally getting the McDonald's M on my face)

How not to name your restaurant

Let's say your last name is Garibaldi and you want to open up an
Italian and Spanish restaurant. Would you name it:

A) the very classy "Garibaldi's Italian -Spanish Ristorante"

Orrrrrr

B) "Garibaldi's G-Spot Italian/Spanish Ristorante"

If you chose B, congratulations on your new Staten Island restaurant.

Notice I didn't even wait to get home to post this...

Sent from my iPhone

People Dressed As Cartoon Characters

Military Chic.

Hey, whatever floats your boat.

Nerds, Pt 1

Just to be clear, we're not talking about the super smart scientific people...those are geeks. There IS a difference. No, the nerds we will be discussing are the ones who take children's toys/cartoons WAY too seriously.

First up is the new crop of G.I. Joe fans. As you may know, there is a movie coming out this summer. But did you also know there is a new cartoon as well? There is. Because FANS DEMANDED IT, there is actual killing of soldiers, and you know actual violence. Why did they demand this? Because the original cartoon (the 80's cartoon FOR KIDS) wasn't "realistic enough". Wow. Relax guys. There's a reason why kids cartoons don't feature adult themes. HINT: they are for kids, and you are a sweaty 35 year old in your parents basement.

I actually find this particular nerd subset fascinating, and more than a little disturbing. Is it just me, or is it ridiculously weird that grown men are clamoring for death and destruction and praising when they get to see all the carnage? When they grow up (in their mid to late 40's I suppose), should we be worried that these cartoon nihilists may someday turn into real life nihilists? Probably not, because then they won't be able to RAGE on the internet about how so and so doesn't look the same as they did in the 80's or how cartoons need more violent killing. You're supposed to look back on these things with fondness, not expect them to grow up with you. Especially if you grow up into a messed up individual. Guys, chill. And by chill I mean, be a real soldier, buy a gun, and test it out. On your face. Aim for the center, just like a sniper.

Another hypothetical situation

Imagine, if you will, that you are a middle aged pockmarked creepy looking guy. For the sake of argument, let's say you also smell. If you are this person, would you:

A) Spot an innocent young man trying to get work, follow him down to the end of the platform, STARE at the aforementioned young man for a few minutes while waiting for the train (making him incredibly uncomfortable), try and fail to strike up a conversation (revealing your odor), get on the train, and continue to creepily stare until you get off?

OR

B) Lock yourself away for the good of humanity?

If you chose A, thanks for making my morning commute super creepy you freak.

Bold New Ways to be an A-hole #1

If you are trying to be the worst humanity has to offer, here's a helpful hint courtesy of some lady at Target:

Let's say you are out shopping for some necessities but don't bother to keep track of a ballpark figure of how much you are spending. Let's also say you don't bother to bring a reasonable amount of money for the stuff you are buying. Are you with me so far? Cool.

Okay, so now what you need to do is wait until every item is scanned (it's important that they are mostly the same item, and therefore cost the same). After all of the items are scanned, start counting your money. It really helps if you only have dollar bills and lack a basic understanding of math. Once you realize you are short, ask how much the item you have the most of costs. This item should also be the rather cheap ($1.04 in this case). Ask cashier to remove said item. Here is the key point: you need to count your money all over again, but you also need to continue to be waaay short of the total. Ask how much the cheap item costs, and have the cashier remove one more. Count your money again, to give the person behind you (me) the impression that you can't keep track of your finances for more than 30 seconds at a time. Ask how much the item costs again. Count your money again, this time going through all of your change (nickels and dimes, of course). Repeat (seriously) twice more. Have you tried it? Congrats! You're an asshole.

Pepsi Max: The Diet Cola for Men

More like Pepsi UGH.

To elaborate, it's ridiculous that diet cola needs a specific marketing campaign geared towards men. OBVI.

Oh, ummm...hey...

You accidentally designed this:



Here it is from the back:



Yeah, that. You further accidentally charged $200 for it in sizes ranging from small to 4XL (how is that even a size??). I refuse to link to it, so do a google search for "NES controller varsity jacket". After purchasing, do a google search for "small handgun that can fit in your mouth" because you'll be needing it. Remember, bullets cost extra! You'll be needing at least one (get two).

Hip Hop Magician

Let me warn you, there is (terrible) audio:

http://hiphopmagician.com/

The hip hop magicians are "Uncle Majic" and "Shock-Kim" which should really tell you all you need to know about them. But visit the site anyway. They are "who the celebrities call for their kids parties". Amazing. Maybe I'm the weird one?